Introduction Melinda Tankard Reist He chose porn over me. Courtney CatEarth He used me like a blow-up doll. Florence The pornography warped his mind. He believed all women wanted to have sex with him. Sarah I left my first husband because of porn. My second husband promised he didn’t use it. He lied. Catherine They looked like his students. Ceratonia How can he say he loves me if he finds the women in porn more attractive? Amalia I longed for intimacy, but he could not have sex without imagining that I was a prostitute. Annie I lost touch with my integrity, I lost my bearings. Sharni I was being groomed to become a porn star in the bedroom. Maggie If you stay … a glimpse into your future if you marry a porn addict. Sarah McDugal You’ve burned down my house and everything in it. Ginger He tried to kill me. Moriah Porn, sex chat rooms, nude beaches … but I was blamed for the end of our marriage. Maya The compromise to my integrity and my value as a woman felt too great to continue this life with him. Carla I am a broken woman … I guess he’s happy enough with his digital girls. Evelyn I was disturbed that I was in a relationship with someone who enjoyed getting off on abuse and hatred of women. Gemma I knew in my heart that staying would be a slow, agonising death. Serena I felt blackmailed into sex to keep a stable home for my children. I saw myself as a prostitute. Lucy He expected me to be up for sex at any time. Rivka Blood rushed to my face, my body went cold: I found multiple searches for ‘teen porn’. Angie I had always taught my kids about stranger danger, but I had a monster in our home. Maree I was told it was my fault. Somehow he became the victim. Kate He told me I was being unreasonable, that all men watch porn, and that all men masturbate … Renee Run like your house is on fire. Melissa He expected me to be available for him, even if I was sick, tired, had my period, recovering from surgery or having a baby. Tash Glossary Resources
Melinda Tankard Reist (www.melindatankardreist.com) is an author, speaker, media commentator, blogger and advocate for young people. She is best known for her work addressing sexualisation, objectification, harms of pornography, sexual exploitation, trafficking and violence against women. Melinda is author/editor of six previous books including Getting Real: Challenging the Sexualisation of Girls (Spinifex Press, 2009), Big Porn Inc: Exposing the Harms of the Global Pornography Industry (Spinifex Press, 2011, co-edited with Dr Abigail Bray) and Prostitution Narratives: Stories of Survival in the Sex Trade (Spinifex Press, 2016 co-edited with Caroline Norma). Melinda is co-founder and Movement Director of the grassroots campaigning movement, Collective Shout: for a world free of sexploitation, exposing corporations, advertisers and marketers who objectify women and sexualise girls to sell products and services. An Ambassador for World Vision Australia, Compassion Australia, HagarNZ and the youth mentoring body the Raise Foundation, Melinda is also Senior Lecturer in the Centre for Culture and Ethics, Notre Dame University, Sydney.
"Occasionally a book comes along that changes the way we think
about the world. "He Chose Porn Over Me" Women Harmed by Men Who
Use Porn is such a book. Reading the stories of women whose
partners chose porn is both heartbreaking and enraging, and can not
be ignored. This book should light a fire under the anti-porn
movement so we organize to rid the world of this misogynist,
multi-billion- dollar predatory industry. Women deserve no less!"
--Gail Dines PhD, Professor Emerita of Sociology, President:
Culture Reframed "Thank goodness for this very much needed and
extremely powerful book. The development of the porn industry has
transformed the relations between the sexes. The advances women
made have been severely undermined by the introduction of the rules
of the brothel, contempt, misogyny, sexual abuse, to the lives and
relationships of the women whose male partners are the consumers.
We hear a lot about the poor men who are sex addicted or find their
lives negatively affected. But of the women who suffer, almost
nothing until this powerful expose. Porn use needs to be understood
as a serious aspect of men's violence against women in the home.
Not only are women's relationships and sex lives destroyed, but
they are also made responsible for trying to change the men. They
are the ones who have to find counsellors for partners who have no
interest in change. They have to nag and cajole until the abuse is
too much and they must leave. Then they may lose custody of their
children, their homes, and face poverty. This book will do a great
service of warning women and helping them decide to leave. I hope
it will spur the feminist campaigns for the abolition of
pornography too!" --Sheila Jeffreys, author of Penile Imperialism:
The Male Sex Right and Women's Subordination and Trigger Warning:
My Lesbian Feminist Life
"To read "He Chose Porn Over Me" is a heartbreaking roller-coaster.
The testimonies are diverse, but the message is the same: when men
use porn, women and children suffer. The bravery and clarity these
women offer on the real impact of pornography on relationships,
families, sexual intimacy, physical safety and emotional
connection, is groundbreaking. Melinda's thorough and astute
research and commentary demonstrates that we urgently need to view
porn as the pervasive and destructive weapon it is, and work
together to teach our children about safe, respectful and loving
sexuality." --Anna McGahan, actor and playwright
"It's impossible to count the number of victims produced by the
allegedly 'victimless' activities in the sexual-exploitation
industries. "He Chose Porn Over Me" documents the incredible pain
and suffering - psychological and often physical - of women whose
partners are compulsive pornography users. The stories collected by
Melinda Tankard Reist are heart-breaking, both for the women who
endured the abuse and for readers willing to look honestly at men's
controlling and corrosive behaviour. But these stories also remind
us of how women's courage and resilience provide a way out of
abusive relationships." --Robert Jensen, emeritus professor,
University of Texas at Austin, author of The End of Patriarchy:
Radical Feminism for Men
"In "He Chose Porn Over Me" Melinda Tankard Reist has pulled back
the curtain on the too-often secret and misunderstood lives of the
partners who are impacted by men's porn use. She gives voice to
these women who have had their hearts broken, trust shattered and
lives turned upside down, enabling them to tell the stories they
have kept silent about for so long. This book is an important
documentation of the real relational and emotional harm caused to
so many by compulsive sexual behaviours by men. I applaud Melinda
and all the brave women who shared their stories." --Paul Lavergne,
Psychotherapist, Sexual Recovery Therapist, Educator, Trainer, and
Creator of The Damage Control Protocol
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